Posted by
Evangeline on Thursday, March 15, 2007 12:06:12 PM
Spiritual leaders can eliminate the tedious work of counseling their congregants, thanks to proposed Federal cradle-to-grave mental health programs. Antiquated religious doctrines are irrelevant in today’s complex society anyway.
Give us modern, scientific counseling, or give us Prozac! We the people deserve no less!
Why wait until a newborn goes home from the hospital to conduct its mental health evaluation and assign its label?
A Cell Psychologist can save the Post-Born’s caregivers that extra step of bringing baby back by his/her daily visit to the hospital nursery. “Looks like a paranoid schizophrenic to me,” she might say, peering in the bassinet. “And these two are definitely bipolar. In fact, there must be at least one or two additional bipolars; the guidelines say so.” Working her way through the Dictionary of Mental Disorders, she will not rest until each case is handled. Two didn’t quite fit into any category, so they will be called Normal, or Miscellaneous.
She mops her streaming brow, but her job is not yet done. Customized printouts of feeding, exercise, recreation, education, spiritual practice and medication regimens must be accepted and signed for by the respective caregivers. Each post-born must then be assigned a Life Coach who will conduct regular home visits as well as electronic surveillance to monitor the caregivers’ adherence to each specialized program. This is the only way to achieve maximum societal harmony.
One EMBMC (Egg Mother/Birth Mother Combo) seems disappointed with the tattoo on Output 1’s tiny forehead. “I really wanted a Passive Aggressive. They come with a better Accessory Package.” If she is dissatisfied, for the good of society and of the child, the Cell Psychologist will need to reassign the Post-Born to another caregiver. Perhaps a better match will be available for the EMBMC later. Come to think of it, her own profile suggests she would do better with A Borderline Personality Disorder.